Helping a Friend
For 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, DWS and other Yukon organizations working to prevent violence are creating spaces for learning more about how GBV works and what prevention can look like.
You are not alone. You deserve support.
As we have tough convos about violence and abuse, please take care of yourself. You are the expert in your life and know best how to take care - whether it’s reaching out to loved one, being on the land, taking time for yourself, or connecting with resources.
Image description: Text “Helping a Friend. dawsonwomensshelter.com, @DWS_EndViolence” on a background of colourful northern lights
SUPPORTING SURVIVORS
It can be hard to think about folks close to us being harmed. It can be even scarier to think that someone we love is at risk of being murdered, but friends and family have a huge role to play in preventing further violence and sometimes saving your friend’s life.
Bavery and Trust
Telling someone about violence, abuse, harassment, or coercion takes a tremendous amount of bravery. Most survivors never tell a helping professional about the violence they have experienced.
Level Zero
The first thing everyone can do to be ready to support a friend who’s being abused is to learn:
what high risk looks like
commonly used abusive behaviours, dynamics, and tactics
the myths and lies we are taught about violence
I BELIEVE YOU. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
When a friend trusts us with their story it’s important to:
Image description: Infographic ’Are you a “helper”? Make sure you have consent first! If not, you might be “helping” to fulfill your own needs, which can be selfish in nature. Instead of “Have you tried _______ to solve your problem?” Try, “Would you like my advice?” OR “Would you like to hear my thoughts?” Instead of, “I’ll handle this for you.” Try, “How can I best support you right now?” Instead of doing something someone didn’t ask you to do. Try, “Let me know if you’d like me to teach you how to do that.” Instead of assuming your partner/child/friend needs your help. Try, “I’m here for you when you need my help. Simply ask and I’ll be there.”
Created by @rima_danielle
rimathejunglegirl.com
Believe them.
“I believe you.”
“You are not alone.”
“You deserve support.”
Let them know it’s not their fault.
“You didn’t cause the abuse.”
“You were a child at the time. Children deserve protection.”
“You didn’t ask to be harmed.”
Listen. Listen. Listen. This can be really difficult as we want to jump in and help, but please sit with them and listen. It can be a really big gift to your friend.
“I’m here to listen.”
“Take the time you need.”
Validate what ever feelings they are having.
“It sounds ___________.” (scary, difficult, overwhelming, frustrating)
“It’s normal to ___________.” (Wait before telling anyone, Continue to have a relationship with someone who hurt you, Want the abuse to stop)
“There is no right or wrong way to feel.”
Ask their permission before doing research or sharing their story. Sexual assault takes a tremendous amount of power away from survivors. Trusting survivors to make their own decisions after an assault is key.
“You get to choose who you share your story with.”
“Can I text you tomorrow to check-in?”
Read DWS’ confidentiality policy for the four times we will break confidentiality.
Ask if they’d like to explore options instead of giving advice. Avoid ‘shoulds’ , ‘musts’, and pressuring your friend to do what you think is right. You can ask if they would like more information about getting medial care, collecting evidence, or reporting options, and as supporters, we have to be OK with the possibility of hearing ‘no’. Get to know the resources that they might need. Click here to learn about Dawson City helpers.
“Would you like me to find local resources for you?”
“Can I __________?” (Drive you to appointments? Watch your kids? Call to see if there’s a waiting list? Go with you to the appointment for the first time? Drop off a meal?)
“How can I best help?”
“You get to choose what to do next.”
Get support for yourself. It can be tremendously hard to sit with a friend who has been hurt. You deserve support too. The tricky part can be getting confidential support. You’re the expert at taking care of yourself and know that DWS’ 24 Hour Support Line has got your back to help to brainstorm resources and with confidential supportive listening - 867.993.5086.
Offering Help safely
Balancing giving power back to survivors by not making decisions for them while also knowing how the brain responds to trauma and crisis can be hard.
Amazing activist, advocate, and survivor, Jen, tweeted incredible suggestions on how to offer concrete ways to help while empowering someone:
As someone who is a survivor of rape, and who does a lot of peer support, I want to talk about “let me know if I can do anything” or “let me know if I can help” “hit me up if you need anything” and other statements of this nature.
They sound kind, don’t they? “I’m here if you need me” feels like a nice thing to say. But imagine someone is drowning, and you see them drowning, and you yell to them “let me know if you need something!” You’ve shifted the responsibly to ask, to the person drowning.
So now our drowning person needs to think what they need. “I need help! a branch! a rope!” And the well meaning person may not have either. See? You leave helping in the hands of the person who needs help, all the while unimplicated in their drowning or not drowning.
Now imagine someone is drowning and instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything” You said “I’m here with you, take my hand!” And you reached for them. You’ve stepped forward and implicated yourself in their survival, in meeting their obvious immediate needs.
When we see people who are struggling, who are suffering, who are in pain, who are in need, telling them they can ask us, is not the same as offering your hand or wading into the river. On many occasions I have said “how are you? how do you feel? have you eaten?”
We know regardless of the reason for suffering that people need to eat. That they need to sleep. That they need to vent. And we can offer ourselves to our community and our friends without leaving it to them to ask for help. Most of us would never ask, even if we need it.
We are conditioned to not ask, to not look weak, to not accept offers or to keep our walls up. And many well meaning people think “they know they can ask me” but no matter how vocal you are, someone you love is likely worried about being a burden to you, and not asking.
This is why I say when I am doing peer support, I am going to offer you my hand. Because I would rather offer it to someone who is swimming 100 times, than miss someone who is drowning once. Because it’s not fair to ask a drowning person to let you know if they need something.
As an appendix, this doesn’t mean decide what someone needs. Or to help people on your terms. That’s a different thing entirely. Offering your hand is meant as a “have you eaten? Would a babysitter for 3 hours this week help you get some stuff done? Can I do a grocery run?”
It’s looking at what you can do or checking in and making that your offer of help. It doesn’t mean saying “I’m going to make a donation today tell me who you want me to donate to” that’s asking for them to do that work for you but making it seem like support.
Remember that when you are offering to help someone the offers should require the person you are offering to do anything but say “yes that would help” or “I am okay thanks for checking in” anything else is not on their terms. And it should be on their terms.
And don’t expect things in return for your help, like a shout out or a post. Don’t make a spectacle of others needs. Don’t tell stories that are not your own. Be okay if no one ever knows you helped. If you try to skim something off the top for you, it wasn’t really for them.
Anyways, I have been thinking about this a lot with all the groping around allyship this week. And how saying “let me know what you need” isn’t as kind as it sounds.
NEED SUPPORT?
Yukon Supports
Women’s Shelters:
Whitehorse
24 Hour Crisis Line - 867.668.5733
Dawson City
Dawson Women’s Shelter
24 Hour Support Line - 867.993.5086
Watson Lake
24 Hour Crisis Line - 867.536.7233
SART - Sexualized Assault Response Team
24 hour Yukon-based support for someone who has been sexually assaulted or their supporters. 1-844-967-7275
CMHA Reach Out Support Line
operates from 10am to 2am seven days a week with trained volunteers who will listen, support and help callers find options.
1-844-533-3030
Canada-wide Supports
Assaulted Women’s Helpline
Toll-free: 1 866-863-0511
Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women Support Line
a national, toll-free 24/7 crisis call line providing support for anyone who requires emotional assistance related to missing and murdered Indigenous women and girls. 1-844-413-6649
National Indian Residential School Crisis Line
Provides 24-hour crisis support to former Indian Residential School students and their families toll-free at 1-866-925-4419.
Hope for Wellness Help Line
Available to all Indigenous peoples across Canada who need immediate crisis intervention. Experienced and culturally sensitive help line counsellors can help if you want to talk or are distressed. 1-855-242-3310
TransLifeline
Trans Lifeline’s Hotline is a peer support service run by trans people, for trans and questioning callers. Our operators are located all over the U.S. and Canada, and are all trans-identified. We will do our best to support you and provide you resources. 1-877-330-6366.
Crisis Services Canada
Available to all Canadians seeking support. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call the Canada Suicide Prevention Service at 1-833-456-4566 (24/7) or text 45645 (7PM - 3AM PST).
Kids Help Phone
Available 24 hours a day to Canadians aged 5 to 29 who want confidential and anonymous care from professional counsellors.
Call 1-800-668-6868 (toll-free) or text CONNECT to 686868