SUPPORTING SURVIVORS

It can be hard to think about folks close to us being harmed. It can be even scarier to think that someone we love is at risk of being murdered, but friends and family have a huge role to play in preventing further violence and sometimes saving your friend’s life.

The murder of women, trans folks, non binary folk, and two spirit folks is sadly too common.

Get in the know

Although we don’t want to think about violence happening in our community, knowing how to separate what partner violence really looks like versus what we’re taught in the media, can have a big impact on the folks you are near to.

• Approximately every six days, a woman in Canada is killed by her intimate partner.

• Approximately 50% of survivors do not recognize the risk factors before they were killed or nearly killed.

• Nunavut, North West Territories, and Yukon have the highest rates of femicide in Canada

• Yukon has rate of femicide in Canada four times that of the national average

• Eight women were killed in the Yukon from 1997-20015

• From 1997-2015, none of the women murdered in the Yukon were killed by a stranger

• Indigenous women are killed at nearly seven times the rate of non-Indigenous women

Why won’t she leave?

As friends, it can be tempting to push a friend who’s being abused to leave. Sadly, that can often increase risk.

For most survivors, the first six months to a year after leaving is the most dangerous. This has to do with how abusive folks use power and control. When a survivor is planning to leave, talking about leaving, or has left, that abusive person knows that they have less control and can resort to extremes.

It’s important that we let our friends know of the experts in our communities, help them reach out to them safely, get confidential support for ourselves as helpers, and also, calmly let our friends know how risky their situation may be. Minimizing risk is a very common coping strategy for survivors.

The Neighbours, Friends, and Families Campaign was created from the Ontario Domestic Violence Death Review Committee looking into all femicide cases in Ontario for five years. From their research they created two lists of warning signs: signs of abuse and signs of lethality.

Knowing more about dynamics of violence is important. It’s also important that we know how to approach our friends that might be experiencing abuse and our friends who might be using abuse in a careful safe way. Check out DWS’ ideas for supporting a friend and NFF’s materials on talking to an abusive man.

From the Neighbours, Friends, and Families website:

Warning Signs of Abuse

You may suspect abuse is happening to someone you know, such as a neighbour, friend or family member, but do not know what to do or how to talk about it. You may worry about making the situation worse, or be concerned about what to do. By understanding the warning signs and risk factors of abuse, you can help.

If you recognize some of these warning signs, it may be time to take action:

• Partner puts them down often

• Partner does all the talking and dominates the conversation

• Partner checks up on your friend all the time, even at work

• Partner convinces your friend they are victim and acts depressed

• Your friend feels isolated from other people OR their partner tries to keep her away from friends and family

• Partner acts like your friend is their property

• Partner lies to make themselves look good or exaggerates their good qualities

• Partner acts like they are the superior and of more value than others in the home

• Your friend is apologetic and makes excuses for their partner’s behaviour OR your friend becomes aggressive and angry

• Your friend is nervous talking when their partner is around

• Your friend seems to be sick more often and misses work

• Your friend tries to cover up bruises or physical injuries

• Your friend makes excuses at the last minute about why they can’t meet you

• Your friend seems sad, lonely, withdrawn, and is afraid

• Your friend uses more drugs or alcohol to cope with the situation

Signs of High Risk

The danger may be greater if:

• Abuser has access to survivor and their children

• Abuser has access to weapons

• Abuser has a history of abuse with survivor or others

• Abuser has threatened to harm or kill survivor if she leaves they

  • Abuser says "If I can't have you, no one will."

• Abuser threatens to harm children, pets or property

• Abuser has threatened to kill themselves

• Abuser has hit or choked survivor

• Abuser is going through major life changes

  • job, separation, depression

• Abuser is convinced survivor is seeing someone else whether or not it’s true

• Abuser blames survivor for ruining their life

• Abuser does not seek support

• Abuser watches survivor’s actions, listens to telephone conversations, reads emails, or follows survivor

• Abuser has trouble keeping a job

• Abuser takes drugs or drinks every day

• Abuser has no respect for the law

• Survivor has just separated or is planning to leave

• Survivor fears for their life and for children’s safety OR survivor cannot see risk

  • Approximately 50% of survivors do not recognize the risk factors before they were killed or nearly killed.

• Survivor is in a custody battle, OR has children from a previous relationship

• Survivor is involved in another relationship

• Survivor has unexplained injuries

• Survivor has no access to a phone

• Survivor faces other obstacles

  • does not speak English,

  • is not yet a legal resident of Canada,

  • lives in a remote area

• Survivor has no friends or family

Check out the resources section of DWS’ website for lots of info on why violence happens and how we can take action.

I’M WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND

Most folks, when they see or suspect a friend is struggling with abuse, want to help to keep that friend safe. Dawson Women’s Shelter is here for supporters of survivors to talk about how you can offer help in a way that doesn’t increase risk. DWS’ 24 Hour Support Line is available anytime for confidential chats and supportive listening - 867.993.5086.

Friends and family have a huge role in preventing femicide and offering help safely during high risk situations, as many survivors may never tell a professional about the abuse, but many folks close to the survivor notice the warning signs.

Believe them.

• Let them know it’s not their fault. They did not cause the assault.

• Listen. Listen. Listen. This can be really difficult as we want to jump in and help, but please sit with them and listen. It can be a really big gift to your friend.

• Validate what ever feelings they are having. There is no right or wrong way to feel after an assault.

• Ask their permission before doing research or sharing their story. Sexual assault takes a tremendous amount of power away from survivors. Trusting survivors to make their own decisions after an assault is key.

• Ask if they’d like to explore options instead of giving advice. Avoid ‘shoulds’ , ‘musts’, and pressuring your friend to do what you think is right. Survivors get to choose what happens next. You can ask if they would like more information about getting medial care, collecting evidence, or reporting options, and as supporters, we have to be OK with the possibility of hearing ‘no’. Get to know the resources that they might need. Click here to learn about Dawson City helpers.

• Get support for yourself. It can be tremendously hard to sit with a friend who has been hurt. You deserve support too. The tricky part can be getting confidential support. You’re the expert at taking care of yourself and know that DWS’ 24 Hour Support Line has got your back to help to brainstorm resources and with confidential supportive listening - 867.993.5086.

  • More information and ideas about supporting survivors here

IF YOU ARE WORRIED A FRIEND BEING ABUSE, PLEASE:

From Neighbours, Friends, and Families:

Here is what you can do when you recognize the warning signs of abuse:

• Choose the right time and place to have a full discussion.

• Approach him when he is calm.

• Be direct and clear about what you have seen.

• Tell him that his behaviour is his responsibility. Avoid making judgmental comments about him as a person. Don’t validate his attempt to blame others for his behaviour .

• Inform him that his behaviour needs to stop.

• Don’t try to force him to change or to seek help.

• Tell him that you are concerned for the safety of his partner and children.

• Never argue with him about his abusive actions. Recognize that confrontational, argumentative approaches may make the situation worse and put her at higher risk.

• Call a shelter or an abused woman’s support line for support or ideas.

If he denies the abuse:

• Men who are abusive will often minimize the impact and deny that they have done anything wrong. They may state that it isn’t that bad or blame the victim for their actions. This type of behaviour deflects his own responsibility for his actions.

• Keep your conversation focused on your concerns for his family’ s safety and well-being and reiterate that abuse is never an answer.

• Keep the lines of communication open and look for opportunities to help him find support.

IF YOU SEE SOMEONE BEING ABUSIVE:

Delegate

Don't go it alone. Gather your peeps. Who is near that can help? A friend? Security staff? Even if it's just to confirm that the behaviour is not OK.

• "I think she needs our help, but I don't know what to do. Have any ideas?"

• "Will you watch while I go chat with them?"

Direct

Approach either the person being targeted or the person doing the harassing and be direct.

• "Are you OK?"

• "Can I help you?"

• "That's not OK."

• "You need to stop."

Distract

Think of a way to distract the folks involved in the situation: either the person being targeted or the person doing the harassing.

• "Can you take a pic of my friends and I?"

• "What time is it?"

• "Where's the washrooms?"

• "That's a FAB outfit! Where did you get it?"

• "My friend's gone missing. Can you help me find them?"

Document

Make a record or keep your eye on the situation in case it escalates.

• More info and ideas about bystander intervention here

NEED SUPPORT?

Yukon Supports:

• Whitehorse

  • Yukon Women’s Transition Home

  • 24 Hour Crisis Line - 867.668.5733

• Dawson City

  • Dawson Women’s Shelter

  • 24 Hour Support Line - 867.993.5086

• Watson Lake

  • Help and Hope for Families

  • 24 Hour Crisis Line - 867.536.7233

Canada-wide Supports:

Assaulted Women’s Helpline
Toll-free: 1 866-863-0511

First Nations and Inuit Hope for Wellness Help Line
Toll-free: 1-855-242-3310

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
Toll-free: 1-800-273-8255

Kid's Help Phone
24 hours a day 7 days a week
Toll-free: 1-800-668-6868 www.kidshelpphone.ca
Text Services: Text “CONNECT” to 686868

TAKE ACTION

Visit our page on taking action of lots of everyday actions!

November 25 to December 10 is 16 Days of Action Against Gender-Based Violence. Keep in the loop about events and actions!

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