Understanding Stalking
January is Stalking Awareness Month.
What is Stalking
From SPARC (Stalking Prevention, Awareness & Resource Centre):
Stalking is pattern of behavior directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to fear for the person’s safety or the safety of others; or suffer substantial emotional distress.
Stalkers use a variety of tactics, including (but not limited to): unwanted contact including phone calls, texts, and contact via social media, unwanted gifts, showing up/approaching an individual or their family/friends, monitoring, surveillance, property damage, and threats.
Stalking is typically directed at a specific person – the victim. However, stalkers often contact the victim’s family, friends and/or coworkers as part of their pattern of behavior.
Many stalkers’ behaviors seem innocuous or even desirable to outsiders – for example, sending expensive gifts. The stalker’s actions don’t seem scary and are hard to explain.
Stalking & Fear
From SPARC (Stalking Prevention, Awareness & Resource Centre):
Fear is contextual.
What’s scary to one person may not be scary to another. In stalking cases, many of the behaviors are only scary to a victim because of their relationship with the stalker.
For example: A bouquet of roses is not scary on its own. But when a victim receives a bouquet from an abusive ex-boyfriend who she recently relocated to get away from – and she did not think he knew where her new home was – this flower delivery becomes terrifying and threatening.
It is essential for responders to ask about and understand why certain behaviors are scary to the victim.
People react to stalkers in a variety of ways. Some may seem irritated or angry rather than scared, while others may minimize and dismiss their stalking as “no big deal.” Irritation, anger, and/or minimization may be masking fear.
It is helpful to consider how victims may change their behaviors to cope with the stalking. Are they changing travel routes? Avoiding certain locations? Screening calls? These may be indicators that victims are afraid.
“The nature of stalking is that once you talk about it, it makes it worse.”
For folks in an abusive relationship, planning to leave or leaving can increase the level of abuse and risk. When stalking is happening, speaking publically about the crime or getting help, can also increase the amount, intensity, and lethality of the abuse.
Learn the Myths
We’re more likely to be able to support a friend who’s being stalked if we learn to recognize what stalking looks like and also learn to challenge the myths we’re taught about stalking.
Julie S. Lalonde and Crickett from DWS chat about myths and how to confront them in this video:
Image description: Inforgraphic poster ‘Debunking Stalking Myths’ created by CARE (Center for Advocacy, Resources & Education). Text in body of blog post.
From CARE (Centre for Advocacy, Resources & Education):
Myth: Stalkers are strangers whom the victim have never met.
Truth: Most victims are stalked by people they know.
Myth: Stalking is limited to following someone in person
Truth: Stalking also takes place online, through GPS systems, and can include unwanted interactions with family, friends, and property.
Myth: Stalking isn’t a big deal.
Truth: Stalking can cause anxiety, insomnia, and severe depression. It can also lead to physical violence or sexual assault.
Myth: The stalker will go away if ignored.
Truth: Stalkers will rarely just stop. Stalking behaviours may escalate and could become violent.
Myth: Stalkers will stop when confronted.
Truth: Stalkers can be dangerous and confronting the stalker can be dangerous. Consider seeking professional help before confronting the stalker to ensure personal safety.
Myth: A stalker can’t be a significant other.
Truth: Stalking can be done by a current or former partner. Being partners does not justify stalking behavious and does not have to be tolerated.
Are you being stalked?
Image description: An infographic poster ‘Are You Being Stalked?’ created by Outside of the Shadows, by Julie S. Lalonde and illustrated by Ambivalently Yours. Image text in body of blog post
From Outside of the Shadows:
by Julie S. Lalonde
Illustration by Ambivalently Yours
Document, Document, Document
Criminal harassment is illegal in Canada, but cops are gonna want proof. Screen gram every message. Keep a log of every call. Write down times, dates, and locations.
Lock down all social media and use fake names as much as possible.
If you live together and you can’t move, tell your landlord and change your locks. If you trust your neighbours, tell them what’s happening and make sure they don’t let him into the building.
Can you afford to send your mail to a PO Box? If so, do that.
Set-up a check in system with your pals: A morning and evening text goes unanswered and your friends will know something’s up. Tell them what you want them to do if something’s up. Make a plan.
Deactivate all GPS and location services on your phone. Never ‘check in’ on social media.
Learn to trust your gut: If you fear things are escalating and you’re afraid for your safety, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and if your friends are worried about you, take them seriously. Sleep at a friend’s place. Have someone come stay with out. And document, document, document.
Lastly, and most importantly, find your crew and lean on them. Your stalker wants you to think that he’s the only person in the world who cares about you. He’s wrong. He so wrong.
We’re here for you. We care.
Do You Know someone who’s being stalked?
Image description: An infographic poster ‘Do You Know Someone Being Stalked?’ created by Outside of the Shadows, by Julie S. Lalonde and illustrated by Ambivalently Yours. Image text in body of blog post
From Outside of the Shadows:
by Julie S. Lalonde
Illustration by Ambivalently Yours
Understand the cycle of abuse: You might not understand why she still loves him, or why she struggles with breaking off contact, but telling her ‘You’re smarter than this. Get it together! Can’t you see that he’s awful!?’ doesn’t help. Don’t add to the shame and humilitation.
Check in and validate: Abusers want their victims to be isolated. Tell your friend that you see what is happening, you know it’s scare, and you won’t abandon them. Remind them that it’s not their fault.
Respect confidentiality: Your friend’s experience is nobody’s gossip and talking about someone’s experience can put them in further danger. Never share their story without permission.
Trust your gut: If you’re afraid for your friend’s safety - tell them.
Keep On Learning
Outside of the Shadows is an excellent resource for learning about stalking. Follow their instagram: @outsideoftheshadowsproject
Julie S. Lalonde wrote a book about her experience of being stalked for over a decade. You can borrow a copy from the DWS library.
Image description: Picture of a cover of Julie S. Lalonde’s book ‘Resilience is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie S. Lalonde’. Background is beige, book title in red and black letters take up most of the cover, a realistic lit match is the ‘o’ of Lalonde, and in the bottom left corner is a sticker for the legislative assembly of ontario’s speaker’s book award winner.
From BTL Books:
For over a decade, Julie Lalonde, an award-winning advocate for women’s rights, kept a secret.
She crisscrossed the country, denouncing violence against women and giving hundreds of media interviews along the way. Her work made national headlines for challenging universities and taking on Canada’s top military brass. Appearing fearless on the surface, Julie met every interview and event with the same fear in her gut: was he there?
Fleeing intimate partner violence at age 20, Julie was stalked by her ex-partner for over ten years, rarely mentioning it to friends, let alone addressing it publicly. The contrast between her public career as a brave champion for women with her own private life of violence and fear meant a shaky and exhausting balancing act.
Resilience sounds like a positive thing, so why do we often use it against women? Tenacity and bravery might help us survive unimaginable horrors, but where are the spaces for anger and vulnerability?
Resilience is Futile is a story of survival, courage and ultimately, hope. But it’s also a challenge to the ways we understand trauma and resilience. It’s the story of one survivor who won’t give up and refuses to shut up.
That’s Not Cool
That’s Not Cool is a campaign out of the USA to decrease teen dating violence.
TNC has created choose your own adventure style youtube videos about the difference between caring and control and respecting boundaries online and jealousy as well as having a partner who’s constantly texting:
TNC has also created calling cards to create conversation around commonly used tactics in abusive relationships. More info and conversation on their website.
Draw the Line
Draw the Line, a bystander intervention campaign from Ontario, has scenarios about stalking and criminal harassment. On the DTL website you can reach each scenario and find some tools, tips, and resources.
Image description: Picture of bookshelves in a library with text ‘Your classmate says their ex keep following them after school and it creeps them out.’ Created by Draw the Line.
Resources
If it is an emergency, call 911.
Dawson Women’s Shelter can support survivors of stalking and their allies with:
confidential listening, support, and validation - either 24 hours a day on the support line, 867.993.5086, or in-person through the drop-in program
safety planning and determining the level of risk
connecting with resources
outreach, advocacy, and accompaniment
Victim Services Yukon supports folks who’ve been affected by a crime, whether or not the crime has been reported to the police. Victim Services can help a survivor of stalking with:
Provide emergency support with the Victims of Crime Emergency Fund. Emergency support could include funds to make your home safe.
Provide crisis support (you do not need an appointment)
Help victims understand their options
Inform victims about resources available to them
Share information about the court process, including how victims can participate
Inform victims about their rights
Provide support and information for victims throughout the criminal justice process, as needed
Help victims develop a safety plan and apply for protective court orders
Help victims prepare victim impact statements
Provide information to communities on how to prepare community impact statements.
In Dawson City, Victim Services can be reached at 867-993-5831.